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Whether you yourself are new to non-monogamous relationships , getting involved with someone who is new, or just ready for a refresher course, here are seven common myths about non-monogamous relationships and the facts that disprove them. Cheating represents a non-monogamous relationship A quick online search yields many a claim that cheating was, in fact, a type of a non-monogamous relationship. That, however, is like saying that stealing is a type of trade.

Make no mistake - just because a relationship is non-monogamous does not mean that cheating is impossible. If a couple agrees to threesomes only but one partner makes out with a stranger in a bar? Four parties in a group relationship agree not to involve new partners before getting tested, but then someone does the deed prematurely? Non-monogamy is not something that takes place in dark corners and on password protected apps without the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.

As do monogamous relationships, non-monogamous relationships require mutual trust and respect, while cheating undermines trust, respect and consent. To wit, cheating may fit the criteria of non-monogamy to the extent that there are more than two. But if everyone is not on board? Right away that necessitates a lot more planning than monogamous folk have to worry about. Except…you agreed with your primary partner that Thursday was their day to ensure your quality time.

Do you wait two weeks and risk the fizzle, or talk to your partner about making an exception? When there are more than two, it gets a lot more complicated. Especially in modern society where traditional dating rituals are quickly being deemed old-fashioned and uncool, and people are more inclined to just go with the flow.

Such a thing is not a realistic option with multiple partners, which requires a greater level of transparency upfront and necessitates constant communication. But scheduling is not even the most intense challenge that people who chose to practice non-monogamy find themselves faced with.

The biggest challenge non-monogamous folks face is rather monstrous, in fact. As it turns out, neither is the case. People who practice non-monogamy are more than aware of the existence of jealousy, and more than capable of experiencing it themselves. Jealousy, while it can be worked with and talked through , is a natural emotion that even those of us who choose to take a non-traditional path still experience.

In comparison with monogamy, in fact, it forces a kind of work on trust that monogamous relationships bypass via the terms of monogamy. But non-monogamy turns that on its head. Once possession is removed, the love between two or more people is no longer defined by what they will not do with others, but by what they actually feel and have together. You are not being asked simply to trust that your partner will obey your mutually established rules , but instead to trust in your mutually established love.

Trust that a casual tryst will not threaten your love. Trust that a new partner is truly an addition and not a replacement. Trust that even as a secondary or tertiary lover, you are still cared for and respected. Not to knock the merits or challenges of monogamy, but where time management, jealousy and trust are concerned, non-monogamous folk have a bit of a fuller plate, if I must say so myself.

Do not be fooled into believing that the option to love and be loved by more than one human makes non-monogamy easy. It may feel like a more natural state of being, but nevertheless, as with all interpersonal relationships, hard work is not only expected but required. While that does make logical sense, love knows not of logic, and as fate would have it monogamous and non-monogamous people can and frequently do find themselves involved, in love, and in relationships.

Refer to myth two! It requires compromise and understanding. Perhaps the parties involved agree that the monogamous partner will continue to practice monogamy while the non-monogamous partner is free to practice a form of non- monogamy.

I dated a man who was monogamous by nature, and was so with me, but was comfortable with my having a girlfriend in addition to our relationship, even though my relationship with her did not involve him [read: Similarly, perhaps an ordinarily monogamous partner will test and stretch their limits, agreeing to a mostly monogamous relationship with a swingers party here or a threesome there on occasion. At the end of the day we are all more than the labels we assign ourselves, and people who may seem unlikely to mesh on paper can and do attract.

As long as trust, respect and consent are part of the formula, a mono and a poly can surely make it work. Non-monogamous people cannot have committed relationships To the monogamous world, two people who essentially belong to each other is the only kind of fathomable commitment in existence.

Since non-monogamous relationships function without the ideas of possession in play, some feel that this means commitment cannot and does not exist. This is not the case. Commitment absolutely can and does exist within non-monogamous relationships. Take the earlier example. My boyfriend was committed to me. I was committed to him. I was also committed to my girlfriend. She was committed to me. She was also committed to her boyfriend.

He was committed to her. Conventional relationship ideals may claim this is ludicrous, but think of the structure of a family.

Think of a mother who has more than one child. Does the arrival of baby number two mean that suddenly baby number one is getting tossed aside? So it looks like this thing between us is coming to a close, as your little brother will be arriving in just a few short weeks.

I hope we can still be friends. Multiple relationships can exist, all of them committed. Which brings me to my next myth… Myth 5: This can be, but is not always the case. There are different types of non-monogamy, some where all parties involved are absolutely equal - in terms of love and commitment, that is - some where they are not. The following are some but not all examples of non-monogamous relationships. These two people are committed to each other, and each other alone.

The terms may vary, but typically it means that while the two can pursue physical thrills outside of the relationship, their loyalty lies with their respective partner alone. Swingers Relationship Very similar to an open relationship , there is a primary couple and they are loyal to each other alone. This can even be considered a type of open relationship, but it is characterized by the couple exploring pursuits outside their relationship together, if not always simultaneously.

Going to a swingers party together, potentially finding an activity to participate in together, both parties participating in different activities, or one or both not necessarily partaking at all.

Hierarchal Polyamorous Relationship Unlike the open relationship, a polyamorous relationship allows for multiple relationships multiple loves, if you will at the same time. Other relationships, while they may indeed be loving, will not take precedence over the primary relationship. Non-Hierarchal Polyamorous Relationship Here there are multiple relationships but without hierarchy. The relationships may intermingle, they may not.

Group relationships may form, they may not. And they may as well in hierarchal poly, I might add. There is no first tier, second tier, third tier. All things being equal is the goal. Egalitarian Polyamory Relationship Anarchy This form of non-monogamy is exactly what it sounds like. A sort of amorous chaos. It allows all relationships with others to be what they are, when they are, whatever they are, without operating within tiers of importance, defined parameters or preset expectations.

The ultimate exercise in relationship freedom, it is living and loving without limits, and letting the relationship chips fall where they may.

The important thing to understand is that committed non-monogamy is not necessarily just a version of monogamy with some casual sex thrown in here and there. Can the two exist together? First, non-monogamy is not kink in and of itself. But when people think of non-monogamy, their minds go to one place - fast.

If monogamy is categorized by not having sex with everyone, then non-monogamy must be about having sex with everyone, right? It must be about threesomes, and foursomes, and group sex, and orgies, and swingers parties with fire breathing, leather clad jugglers in nipple clamps swinging from the chandeliers. The reality is often far more tame. It does not mean that one is necessarily with multiple partners simultaneously. It does not mean that one is necessarily having indiscriminate sex.

And it does not mean that one is, while having indiscriminate sex with multiple partners simultaneously, also strapped to the bed with leather cuffs in nipple clamps and a crystal butt plug. Can one enjoy a non-monogamous relationship and a crystal butt plug at the same time? Which brings me to my final myth… Myth 7: All non-monogamous relationships involve sex Admittedly, this may seem a bit confusing.

That being said, what if a couple could do things besides sex together, or with the consent of their partner, openly? Or perhaps kissing was okay, but only kissing. Monogamish is a term that was originally coined with open relationships in mind, but it can also be an option for couples who want to avoid feeling stifled by their commitment without completely opening the relationship up.

The freedom to pursue your sexless kink outside of your relationship with the consent of your partner could be another form of the, in my opinion, rather flexible monogamish. So there they are, seven myths about non-monogamy - debunked. Spread the word, share the love, and stay informed.


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